I've written many posts since my last one that made it to the blog over a year ago, but they are all unfinished. I've written about homeschooling, and loss, and happiness, and remodeling, but they are all in my drafts folder. When I started my blog, I loved the idea that I was only going to write what I wanted and when I wanted-no grades, no deadlines, no pressures-and although I still think this is my overall plan, I've realized that there are some posts that I may not want to write, but that I NEED to write. And there is one post that I need to write that has been keeping me from being able to finish the others.
I have realized that I can't write about what is going on in my family, when I have lost a part of my family. But the trouble is that there are no right words to talk about the loss of family, when that family is a pet. How do you put into words the loss of a relationship that was never built on words? And while Aprilia was never my baby, or my child, and I was never her mama, she was a friend who was a part of my everyday- who depended on me, and loved me, and understood me. And I miss her. And while her death was at a natural time for a dog, at an old age and due to a sickness that could not be treated, and while we were given time to enjoy her last days with her, it was still hard to say good bye. When I told Ryder that we had to take her to the vet because she was no longer able to walk or lie down or eat, I learned that there are times we have to teach our children that it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry, and there are hurts that can't be fixed with a band aid and a kiss. And I learned there are times, we have to believe those things ourselves, even when we are all grown up.
If you've never had a pet that was part of your family, no words can explain the change that happens when that friend is lost. And if you've had a pet that was part of your family, well, you don't need words to explain that change because you know exactly what I'm talking about. I knew our family changed when we lost Aprilia. I could see that change when I had to send a Christmas card without her in it, or when I came home and I didn't hear the clicking of her nails on the floor. But I tried many time to write a post to explain that I had lost a friend, a part of my family, a part of many sweet memories, only to get started and realize I didn't have the right words to finish. Only now am I able to share a part of that loss that is sorrow and joy and peace because I realize that although we shed a few tears over the loss of our friend, we will continue to share many more smiles because of our time with her.